Deep Gratitude
We may earn money or products from the companies mentioned in this post.
We woke up to half a foot of fresh fallen snow this morning, with no signs of it stopping. I had plans to go for a walk and talk to a dear friend, but without snowshoes, the paths through the back woods would be hard work to trudge through.
But I laced up my snow boots, double layered my leggings and socks, and tromped out into the wonderland that was our backyard.
With intention, I turned off my podcast that I automatically queued up to listen to… I chose to give myself the space and quiet to think, to pray and to listen in return.
I was brought to tears with gratitude.
Out there, on the abandoned railroad tracks, with fresh falling snow and the only signs of life being the tracks of a meandering deer and my footsteps trailing behind me… I felt real peace. I got quiet. I listened. And in return, I felt my heart beat slow, I was able to hear the distant waterfall falling into a nearby pond and tune into the quiet of the snow hitting the trees around me.
It was heaven.
I needed this space. I’ve been so quick to pick up my phone for far too long when I have any moment of overwhelm or stress, or even just a moment of quiet or space to think. Oh, the kids leave the room? I wonder what’s going on over at Instagram. Or I wonder if there are any emails I need to attend to. Or I wonder if that reel I made got any comments or likes.
Honestly, it feels really vulnerable to admit that, but based on the messages I received after saying on social media that I would be closing my account, I know for a fact that I am not alone here.
I was recently listening to a podcast that asked the question, “who is the person that you feel you are being called to be? Now, juxtapose that vision next to who you are becoming with {my paraphrasing here} the distractions of social media and this fast-paced world.”
Do they line up? Is the person I am becoming now who I will be proud to be in 5 years? Is the person I am being today and becoming, someone my kids will grow up to be proud of.
Not to mention, how am I modeling to my kids how to show up in the world? How can I be an example of healthy screen use when I can’t live with it in balance myself?
Sadly, the answer wasn’t what I wanted it to be. Sadly, it was already affecting me. I have laid in bed many a night racked with guilt. Was I good enough? Was I present enough? Was I patient enough?
Lord knows that when I had a phone nearby, and I was trying to finish a post, or answer a question, etc etc, if anyone asked me a question, my answer was less than present and less than patient.
I only get this time once. Today…once.
I know that there will still be nights after I leave social media for good that I lay in bed thinking about how I could have handled something better as as parent, that won’t go away. But I can only pray that those things I lay worrying about are more…human. Not over something as silly as a virtual world that in the long run, does not really matter. That doesn’t really…exist.
If social media was to go away tomorrow, we could still meet up for coffee, we could still write someone a letter and drop it in the mail, we could still call a friend and catch up.
We could still be human.
So, as I trudged through the deep snow this morning for an hour and a half, basking in gratitude for all the beauty that God has created…I felt free. Freer than I have felt in such a long time. And I’m not even fully off of social media yet, I’m still cleaning up and “emptying my desk” sort of speak :-p
But I feel so free knowing it is coming to an end. The distraction will be gone for good so soon. And knowing that I am actively acknowledging my weaknesses, my limits as a human, and removing that temptation all together so that I can reclaim my life, my motherhood, my marriage and my mental health.
To that I am so deeply in gratitude.
