9 Ways to Connect With Your Partner {With Little Kids}
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Making time to connect with your partner during the “little kid” years is hard. Raising littles is relentless. Relentlessly sweet. Relentlessly exciting. Relentless hard. Just relentless. So trying to get a conversation in with your love, or making time to connect with your partner in general can be really challenging. However, it’s important
A happy marriage is a gift to your kids, too. When they see mom and dad happy, they can relax. I know when Nick and I are going at it (I know that some of you may disagree about arguing in front of your kids…but we haven’t figured that one out yet), my oldest will tell us to stop “fight talking”. They don’t like to see us unhappy.
While our kids don’t, obviously, connect their constant demand for attention to the stress in our adult relationship, and nor would we want that, they want us happy and in love.
Nick and I decided to do a recording on this one this time. I stripped the audio so that you can listen to this while you are doing dishes, folding laundry, or cooking dinner (all my favorite things to do while listening to podcasts). I absolutely encourage you to listen to the audio as we went much more into depth on each of these points, but here are the 9 ways to connect with your partner and a few thoughts on each.
Get a Babysitter
Anyone who has been following my blog for a little while
HOWEVER, my husband and I sat down to have a heart to heart one afternoon when we had a moment to talk, and decided that it was more important for our marriage and mental health to hire a sitter for three hours a week on a Tuesday evening than to use that extra $45 a week to pay more debt.
Having that time together to get projects done, sit and eat quietly just the two of us, and have our sitter put our children down for one night a week has been nothing short of a game changer for us and our marriage.
Have Sex
This is a hard one for mom’s with little kids. I know. You’re being touched all day, pulled on, nipples are numb…
Who the heck wants to have sex?!
I have a very wise friend who mentioned that she really loves to talk to connect with her husband, but she recognizes his needs and knows he won’t be able to be present with her if the sex needs are not being met. We are all different, aren’t we?
And let’s just say this, when is the last time you regretted having sex?
Set Realistic Expectations
I struggle with this one probably the most of all! As a stay at home mom of three very little kids, I crave adult conversation by the end of the day. Once my husband gets home from work, he would love to workout or talk to the kids (and me too, obviously), but I basically want all of his attention. Much like our kids do. What can I say, he’s a wanted man.
My husband struggles with expectations around what he can accomplish in a day with three little kids. Rarely does he get through his to-do list when he’s home.
Having little kids is amazing, and hella hard. So please do yourself a favor and slow down, expect delay…and lower your expectations. Or don’t! But I guarantee you’ll be so much happier if you do. I’m talking to myself too…
Speak Your Partner’s Love Language
Does your partner like physical touch? Gifts? Words of affirmation? Quality time? Acts of service?
If you’re not sure what your partner’s love language is, a great short cut is paying attention to how he shows you love.
In the beginning of my husband and my relationship, Nick was always doing the dishes for me and making me salads for lunch (which I just didn’t care about all that much), and I was wanting to sit and talk with him for hours…
We were completely missing each other’s love languages. So while we were pouring love into each other with our own love languages, it wasn’t registering as love to the other person. Once we read the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman, our lives were changed BIG TIME!
And honestly, sometimes your love language can change! While I didn’t get the appeal of Acts of Service back when I was in my mid-20s… when Nick unloads the dishwasher for me you might as well light some candles and put the Sexy As Folk Spotify playlist on and fast.
Hold Hands
But don’t stop with holding hands…
- Touch each other more.
- Give each other a kiss and a hug when you are saying goodbye and when you are greeting each other again.
- Cuddle before you go to bed (this is a hard one in the years that you may have
littles in your bed with you!). - Snuggle while watching a show.
- Swap foot rubs.
An article from marriage.com says, “Some of the positive feelings will be that of connection, improved attitude and will produce a smile for both you and your spouse. It can make you feel safe, cared for, and create a lasting bond. Physical touching can also be a stress reducer and we can all benefit from reducing stress. A sensual touch can also rekindle the spark and reignite the passion.”
Give Each Other Grace
Holy cow do you need grace during this time. We are under stress, no one is their best self under stress. So give your calm, patient partner the benefit of the doubt when they snap at you unexpectedly. We are all doing our best under the circumstances at hand, and you will want the grace in return when you are acting less than your best self.
Don’t Lean Too Hard On Your Partner
We have all made the mistake at times of leaning too hard on our partners, turning them into our personal girlfriends. We can’t expect anyone person to be all things to us. Call your mom, call a friend, go out for a walk and listen to a podcast by a person who you feels “gets you”… I truly feel like if we lean on others for some of our needs, our partner is so much more present when we go to him.
Take Care of You…For Your Partner
When we got married, part of our vows (both of them individually without having a clue what the other person was writing!) was that we would “take care of me, for you”. What is that about?
We don’t have control over what our partner does. Truly. But we do have control over what we do. When we are taking care of ourselves, caring for our body and our mind, we show up in our marriage better…which naturally makes the other person want to step up their game (at least a little bit!).
So take care of your health, figure out ways to lower stress, get a tea with a friend, take care of you.
Have a Family Meeting
Read the post I wrote about how to hold a family meeting and why.
Which of these ways to connect with your partner is your biggest struggle and which are you feeling pretty darn good about?
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